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5 Things That Kill Relationships

Home > Articles > 5 Relationship Killers (It might not be what you think)

Some people say that money is the root of all evil. It could be, however, money simply represents a tender form of exchange. How we choose to use it (or not) and where we decide to put it, gives evidence of what is or is not important to us. This literally indicated behavioral choices, actions or inactions, which can be a great source of evil (or good). In short, the expression "put your money where your mouth is" simply means what choose to do with our money tells us what we hold  valuable (value). What does this have to do with relationships? A lot, people think that financial issues are the number one cause of relationship turmoil, but it isn't. The point here really is  we need to stop blaming money for all our issues. Money problems are circumstantial, which we often can't control, however we can control our behavioral choices and what we put value onto/into. Money is NOT the biggest relationship killer, however these following 5 things will slowly or instantly kill your relationship (and money isn't one of them). Be weary... these 5 parasitic monsters might be living right inside of you! 


Most people enter a relationship with a deep fear of rejection, and this fear motivates various forms of controlling behavior. Controlling behavior falls into two major categories – overt control and covert control.

Overt control includes many forms of attack, such as blaming anger, rage, violence, judgment, criticism and ridicule.

Covert control includes compliance, enabling, withdrawal, defending, subterfuge, lying and denying. Often a person at the other end of attack will respond with some form of covert control in an attempt to have control over not being attacked.

Controlling behavior always results in resentment and emotional distance, bringing about the very rejection that it is meant to avoid. Let's face it people hate to have their freedoms limited by another person or persons. This idea has caused many violent revolutions and wars. So before you try to control someone else's behavior, get a grip of your own first.


Many people enter a relationship with a deep fear of being engulfed and controlled – of losing themselves or their freedom.. The moment they experience their partner wanting control over them, they respond with resistance – withdrawal, unconsciousness, numbness, forgetfulness, procrastination and lashing out (sometimes violently).

When one partner is controlling and the other is resistant – which is really an attempt to have control over not being controlled - the relationship becomes immobilized. This is a power struggle and someone is going to get hurt bad when this tug of war finally comes to an end. Partners in this relationship system feel frustrated, stagnant, and resentful. 


Many people enter a relationship believing that it is their partner’s job to fill their emptiness, take away their aloneness, and make them feel good about themselves. When people have not learned how to take responsibility for their own feelings and needs, and to define their own self-worth, they may pull on their partner and others to fill them with the love they need. Jealousy and selfishness could also come into play here. 


Most people who feel empty inside turn to substance and process addictions in an attempt to fill their emptiness and take away the pain of their aloneness and loneliness. Alcohol and drug abuse, food, spending, gambling, busyness, texting, social networking, Internet sex and pornography, affairs, work, TV, accumulating things, vanity, and so on, can all be used as ways to fill emptiness and avoid fears of failure, inadequacy, rejection and engulfment. And they are all ways of shutting out your partner. This is a huge one that people might miss. A lot of it happens at a subconscious level and can take its toll.


Many people are acutely aware of what their partner is doing that is causing relationship problems, but completely unaware of what they are doing. For example, you might be very aware of your partner’s resistance or withdrawal, but totally unaware of your own judgmental behavior. You might be very aware of your partner’s anger, but completely unaware of your own compliance. You might be very aware of your partner’s addictive behavior, but very unaware of your own enabling. As long as your eyes are on your partner instead of on yourself, you will continue to believe that if only your partner changed, everything would be okay.


All relationship killers come from fear – of inadequacy, of failure, of rejection and of engulfment. As long as you are coming from any of these fears, you will be behaving in one or more of the above ways. 

The way out is to develop a loving adult self who knows how to take full responsibility for your own feelings and needs. You will move beyond controlling, needy and addictive behavior only when you learn how to fill your self with love and define your own inner worth. When you are willing to take your eyes off your partner’s plate and turn your eyes fully on yourself, you can begin to do the inner healing work necessary to heal yourself and your relationship. 

A good place to start is to take some time to yourself and read a good book. When was the last time you read a great book? Start with Bonds That Make Us Free - Healing Our Relationships and Coming To Ourselves. Each party is supposed to find ways to make themselves happy and feel successful regardless of the circumstances and then support their partner to do the same. Surely when anyone reads the 5 relationship killers they can see that they are probably doing some or all of them in some form or another. So if you want to live in a lively and healthy relationship you need to get rid of the killer toxins first and foremost before you start to "improve" or do "romantic nice things". Think of your relationship as a bed and what consequently happens on it. If your bed has bed bugs and cockroaches on it, would anyone want to lay in it? Of course not! So even if you put rose pedals and promise to make sweet passionate love to your partner on that bed, it won't change the fact that the parasites are still there and that no one in their right mind would want to willingly go near it. Thus no matter what you do regardless of how nice and sweet and loving it is or what generous motivate there is behind it, you have to eliminate the killers first... So assassinate the relationship assassins, before they do you in first. 

Remember you lay in the bed you make.


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